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When you feel like crap... and you have a real crappy day... and the one thing you hope to go right... doesn't... you begin to wonder... "When are things going to be my way?" Just now... my day was shitty I'm not going to lie... and the one thing... the ONE THING that I wanted to go right... I blew it... it blew up in my face... at least I have a weekend to plot my demise. Hating this... SO MUCH!!

This ain't a scene...

Trust me... this ain't from a movie...

My homework is kicking my ass =\
School is retarded =[
Personal life is sudicial =[
My job is becoming a hassle >=[

All the crap that I do now is pointless... at this point... I just want to go back in time... not really long ago... about a couple of months ago where everything was WAY simpler. =[

Sadly... I know that I can't do that.

Hatin the reality that is my life.

When you lose everything...

When you lose something... you lose EVERYTHING. It surrounded you. It became a part of you... and now its lost. Because of some stupid stipulation. I hate it. The stipulation should not exist, but alas it does. You wish you could go back... go back to the time when everything was easier and life MADE sense.

Now life is in ruins and you wish you could get a clue to how it MAKES sense. I don't want to be here. I want to go away and never come back.

But I know I can't do that. I have to wait one more year after this.

"Life sucks then you die."

Du willst er?? Ich weiss nicht.

You want him?

I don't know.

That's what the title means auf Deustch (in German).

My feelings are all screwed up... I'm completely stressing right now and I know as soon as I get a full second to relax something is going to come up and I'm going to end up doing something that I regret.

I do not know if I like this guy or if I like messing around with him. It's easy just to make out with someone and not have to deal with the problems (and benefits) of being in a commited relationship (so I say). Now this guy (unlike most of the guys I date) is younger than me, which isn't really bad nor is it good. It's just down the middle... he lacks the experience that I carry which means I can teach him some things (which I can do very well thank you ;) but at the same time he carries that immaturity that I can not stand in guys.

I may have to stop myself full stride and take a step back and realize what the hell I'm doing is either for the best... or worse. One or the other...

because I still have a boyfriend.

F*uck this.

I'm done... SERIOUSLY

I hate knowing that what I had will never come back. Not even for a second. Seeing him... hurts. Especially when its with another girl. I hate knowing that what we have will probably never compare to what he has with that girl but at the same time... he's got to compare SOMETHING of hers to me... right? I know this is a futile battle that I keep participating because whenever he gets bored of his girl he comes back to me because he realizes that I want to rekindle what we had... even if its for that moment. I hate being me. I just wish I was in her shoes... so that I could see what makes HIM so special... and why she only sees the charming and not the conniving bastard that I see. Damn... where's Derek at when you need him? Oh thats right... we're on a break... because we're into our damn schoolwork to even think about a possible girlfriend or boyfriend... then why in the hell am I thinking about someone else?? S*it... I need something... I just don't know what it is yet.